I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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