I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Houston, we have a blender
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
