I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
