I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
