Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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