Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
