I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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