I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
