That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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