the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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