He uses pillows to masturbate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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