Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
