Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
