wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
