I need help removing her.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When are your genitals available?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
