you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
