Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
