my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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