after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
