onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will be naked everywhere
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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