he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
why do cheetos always look like penises
So gin and wine won't be happening again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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