Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.