I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
