I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
