I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
