There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
