I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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