Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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