apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
handjob tips. give me some.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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