I wish I could punch you in the face.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
