remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
