I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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