Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
