help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
