note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
