The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
