My liver just broke up with me...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
As shirtless as possible
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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