I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
