If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jerry, you need to find god
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
