What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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