Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
