If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
