Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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