Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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