Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
