she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
