I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
