I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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