He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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