Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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