wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
