When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
