he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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