i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
